Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Watch out, Ramblings below.

I'm blaming this post on Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. Have you had it? I'm normally strictly a Diet Dr. P kinda gal, but its been a nice change... anyway, this post needs to have some blame placed somewhere, so I'm putting in on my beverage... 
totally logical, right?

(that or maybe I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy *admitted sheepishly* and her frank narration throughout the show has got me "on one" and I'm rambling here on the blog)

Anyway. Some thoughts. 

I have been feeling inadequate lately, more so than usual. 
Even admitting to drinking a caffeinated beverage *gasp* has got me second guessing myself about posting it. "what will the others think?"

I'm tired of these feelings of inadequacy. Lately I feel as though they have been keeping me from being...me. I miss "me." I want all of my new Pittsburgh friends to get to know "me."

I have been thinking about the old me from high school. How in the world was I so care free? I remember that one of my goals in high school was to smile at everyone (and try and get them to smile in return), no matter how silly I felt doing it. In choir we had talent days, where we were forced required to preform a piece once a term as part of our grade. I can remember how I would just sit and smile at the performer, waiting for them to make eye contact with me... sounds a little creepy typing that out, but every time I made eye contact with the person preforming, they'd smile back and I felt like it helped them to not be so nervous (of course, that could all totally be in my head)
I was care free and FUN! 
I was so much fun! I feel like I'm living in El Lame-o land right now. 

A part of me tries to convince myself that I'm a different person, that I'm a mom and I can't be that care-free, fun person that I once was. 
Why can't I?
I'm sure my girls would love it!
Would it be balanced? Could I still discipline my kids if I was the "old me"?
I don't know. I guess that is the mental debate I've been having. 

Here is what I do know. 
I need to be happier. 
I know Ryan and my girls would both enjoy that more.
The old me was happy, all the time. I want the current and future me to be happy all the time too. 

So, here is how I'm going to do it. 
I'm going to be a little more carefree in my life. 
Doesn't make sense? Let me elaborate.

I compare myself. As hard as I try not to I do. So, I'm resolved to stop caring about whether or not my house is as clean and organized as another's. Not saying I'm going to give up and let my house go to trash. But if I have kids over, and the house is a wreck, who cares. I LIVE in my house. One day my kids are going to move out and I will actually MISS having the mess around. So why not enjoy it a little!

Also, I'm not going to care about my image. I still need to work on things (like my constant battle with weight loss) but in High School I was never skinny. Never. But I didn't care. I figured everyone needs to be loved and I shouldn't let my poor self image get in the way of that. And you know what? I made the most friends during that time in my life. If you're happy and loving you make friends... go figure.

So to recap... here are some of my resolutions:
Don't worry about keeping up appearances.
Don't let your self image get in the way.

Hmm... sounds like a song... Don't worry, be happy

It also sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I promise, I haven't let those caffeinated beverages throw me too far off the edge. 


Deb said...

Oh Liz, you are always so positive and such an inspiration to me! I need to have your attitude! I can't believe you were like that in high school (well I can) but I was the exact opposite. Sad. Anyway, I really like this post. I'm always caught up in my self image and how my house looks too, I notice how much it holds me back. I need to let go more too. :)

Em said...

This sounds familiar to me. Adjusting to motherhood is huge. It's so easy to get swallowed up in it since it requires so much of you that has never been even remotely required before. I find I'm a lot more afraid of failure as a mother than I was when it was just me being affected by my choices. And that proves pretty paralyzing sometimes. (Most of the time.) I have no answers, but I sure like the high school version of you! I always thought I'd be a parent like Anne Shirley who could make kids feel guilty and repentant just by expressing disappointment. Um, not happening. I'm still trying to find a plan B.

Tina said...

Liz, you are not alone in your fears. Why do we do this to ourselves?!!?!? We had our stake Relief Society meeting on Saturday, and there was a special musical number titled, "Joy in the Journey". It made me reflect on what matters in life, and reminded me to SLOW DOWN and enjoy life. Glad to know your house isn't perfect, mine isn't either (or close to it!). And the thing is, NOBODY CARES (except for ourselves!).
In my eyes, you are super mom, and get so much more accomplished than I could even imagine. Thanks for the post. It is good to get it out.

Camille said...

I have been feeling the EXACT same way lately! Why have I let the old "me" get lost in all my worries and insecurities? For the record, I think you're pretty fantastic and I haven't even technically met you...but I can just tell that you are an amazing person!

Karla said...

LOVE IT! I usually make an effort with my home when I know people are coming, but it's still never perfect. The thing is, who cares? You're right - live in the moment! Drink up life and have another one of those caffeine beverages for me. :)

Laurel said...

Isn't it crazy how we do this. I do it all the time and I know a lot of the girls in my ward have voiced the same discouragement in their lives. I don't know you nearly as well as I wish I did and I hear so many great things about you and your family from when Brady and Ryan have talked. Even from reading your blog there are many things I admire about you and so many talents and grate characteristics. I want to take on your resolutions in my life as well. Thanks for the post.

Jamie Hirtle said...

Liz I think you are amazing! Luckily I have known you since we were in High School so I know that you are the same wonderful Liz you have always been! Um, hello, talk about comparing yourself to others, I ALWAYS compare myself to YOU! "Liz makes the cutest things.... Liz throws the cutest parties.... Liz is so creative..." You are WONDERFUL and don't forget it!

Kelly said...

ditto to all of the above. I find my self thinking "when I grow up, I want to be just like Liz", Then I realize I am grown up...ah crap. Seriously love you. p.s. lets do a play date? yes??!