Friday, September 28, 2012

No Pictures... just Liz

I feel like the past couple of weeks my mind has been constantly running... and no matter how hard I try (especially at night) I can't seem to shut it off... 

So... we're going to go back to the good ole days and try and blog it all off of my mind.
Just random... just Liz.

I went to a fun craft night tonight. It has been a while. I worked on my "Birthday Quilt", which at the rate it is coming together, it seems like I'll be lucky to have it finished before my next birthday, and not for the chilly weather like I'm hoping.

It was so nice to sit and chat with friends, new and old. I just love that. Mr. Zak of course had to join us, little stink fussed right before I headed out the door. And since Ryan was about to go to bed (so he could get up at 3:30am) I didn't have the heart to risk him waking up and interrupting Ry's sleep. The Zakster did wake up, I'm sure do to the laughing and new voices... or maybe it was just the smell of the amazing pumpkin chocolate chip cookies that did it. Regardless he was up for most of the time... so, yeah, the quilt didn't make much of any progress tonight either.

The weather is changing to fall. It is cool and crisp outside and I love it. Abby was playing outside at a Birthday party yesterday and when she ran into talk to me I could smell fall on her. It was so fun to scoop her up and breathe it in. I think I live for fall out here. All of the other seasons can take permanent vacations elsewhere... but I'm keeping fall. 

Speaking of Abby. Oh how that girl reminds me of myself. Mostly in her stubbornness and strong-willed independence.
She is my sunshine.
I wish I savored her giggles a little more during the day. I love how she will run up to tell me something (that of course is the funniest thing in the world), babble it off to me in a slightly intelligible manner and cackle at how funny she thought it was. Her big, deep blue eyes get so bright, I just love it. I seem to be snapping so many mental photos of her lately. 

Sarah on the other hand I seem to be missing more... I thought I was handling her being gone all day just fine, but today she came home early with a tummy ache, and then she snuggled up next to me on the couch while I was nursing Zak and just dreamily looked up into my eyes. Her sweet chocolate brown eyes, with tiny fairy kisses all across the bridge of her nose. She gave me a sweet loving smile, her lips are pursed together. I think right then and there she could have asked me for anything and I would have said yes. Oh, I wish I made more time in my day for moments like that. My heart gets so big and full that it comes out my eyes sometimes.

My emotions have been all over the place. I really struggled this Summer. You can tell by how fair my children's skin stayed and how overgrown our yard got. I completely did not take advantage of the summer sun this year (which I know I'll regret once the winter gloom hits). When we did venture out, it was usually to a nearby park that is rather shady. But at least we got out. I'm doing much better now... and oddly, I'm going crazy at the same time. Just a good, more manageable crazy now.

Most of the reasons are related to my new calling at church. I won't lie. I LOVED my old calling. Teaching the primary children music is the best. I could play, have fun, and it was perfect for my procrastinating ways. I loved it and I felt the kids loved me. We had fun together. 
Now I just feel like I have this gigantic plate of responsibility. I have amazing counselors... I really do. But I am an all or nothing person, and I want get everything up and running now. I struggle with taking baby steps. 

Speaking of that. Zak is becoming far more mobile than I'd like him to be at this age. He is nearing 9 months (on the 9th of October) and he is a little crawling machine. Although, that is not what he prefers anymore. He really loves to climb to standing position and walk along the furniture. He is really testing his limits with balancing while standing. Usually he gets so excited, grins at me with his little two tooth smile and starts flapping his arms until he loses it and plops down on to his bottom. Good thing the little chunk has lots of padding. 

Last night Zak had a rough time going to sleep, and so I decided to relax and just enjoy snuggling him.  He prefers to lay up on my shoulder. He loves it when I snuggle my face into his. We start with a little eskimo kiss and then take turns making little loving sighs. He sure knows how to melt his mamas heart. I love how snuggly he is. He has started to really love smelling things. He will bury his little face into my hair, my shoulder my chest and just take a big breath. Lean back and stare into my eyes with his sparkly grey eyes and then do it again. He usually has a pacifier {plug} in his mouth, otherwise I know he'd give one of his pink lil' smiles. I know years down the road I'm going to miss all of these snuggles that he so freely gives me now. He just started giving me kisses. Sure they are opened mouth, and are more of a game right now, but I've never had a kissy baby. I think it is the cutest. 

Awe, he is getting so big. I occasionally have these moments when I realize how big my kids have gotten. Like Sarah and her skipping phase. Maybe it is because she keeps finding jeans in her drawer from last year, and the slight floodliness of them make her seem taller, but she is getting so grown up. She just started skipping everywhere she goes. It reminds me a lot of her cousin, Eleanor. I love watching her skip from room to room. Sometimes I find something for her to go retrieve, just so I can watch her skip away and her hair bouncing right along with her. She is such a happy, obedient child. I need to praise her more for that. 

There are so many things to do around the house. The never ending laundry... one day, I promise our clothes will get put away unwrinkled. My pile of dishes. There always seems to be clean ones in the dishwasher, with a pile of dirty in the sink.  By the time I get it unloaded and reloaded, I usually have an extra loads worth left over. *sigh* I have mounds of papers to go through. They are sitting right next to me, but I ignore them anyway. I did mop the floor yesterday... not that you can tell today. And yet, whenever I do have that magical time during the day that the girls are at school and Zak is napping, I use it to take care of my never ending email responses. It seems like that has shot through the roof with these recent changes. 

I'm so grateful for my friends and family. My sweet sister in law gave me a call this afternoon. For no reason at all. It came a the perfect time of day, during those hours right before dinner time (when I usually head for the open bag of chocolate chips, because I'm bored and hungry) and it was so nice to have adult conversation, and with someone I love. Sure we were constantly being interrupted by lil' requests, poopy diapers and screaming, both playful and sincere. But it was such a ray of sunshine on this gloomy, rainy day we had. 

I miss Ryan. This schedule is hard. We both have so much on our minds and plates that when we do have thirty minutes to spend together at night, it usually isn't very quality. I miss our quality time. I feel like sitting and watching a show together... with out one of us crashing, would be the most quality time we've had together in the past 5 weeks. He loves Surgery though. It is fun to listen to him talk about it. A couple nights before he started we watched YouTube videos on tying one-handed and two-handed sutures (yes, I know you're jealous). But it was really fun. We haven't done something silly and fun like that in a while. I'm open for suggestions on cheap tricks or hobbies to learn together. Maybe we can master balloon animals next. 

We are planning to have a carnival after our primary program practice in November. I'm so excited. We're going to have a photo booth there, and I really want to make lots of fun props for the kids to use.
Mustaches are a must. 

I'm nervous. I always seem to hit the ground running with things, and then get burned out way to easily. I need to settle into my marathon pace and make things quality. I have at least two years in this calling. Then we'll most likely move. That will be interesting. A move. 

We were so lucky when we moved here. Both Ryan and I had been here before, we knew what to expect. We didn't have to hunt for a home. It all worked out perfect. I have faith that the same will happen when we move next, but the unknown is killing me. We still have a year and a half before Ryan opens his letter of residency... it'll be like a mission call. And we'll go where they want us to go. I just hope it is somewhere sunny. Although, that usually means the Fall is not nearly as lovely. 

I've become quite good at rambling. I call it parent vomit. I go so long with out adult conversation, that when I do have it (even in email form) I can't get myself to stop. I hear myself interrupting and I want to smack myself. I say the most ridiculous things... I really need to get over some of these social anxieties that I've been having lately. I also really need to get back on the ball and start eating healthy and exercising too... but that thought doesn't help me unwind and relax, so we'll move on. 

In fact, I better just move on in general.
Or rather, in the general direction of my bedroom. 
It is late, and I doubt anyone has read this far anyhow. 
Good Night... er, or morning.


Em said...

I hate it when real, adult life is no fun. And the whole being the mom bit is so thankless and self-effacing sometimes. Everything you do is undone instantly, and there are just no "thanks" or accolades for what you do. It's hard to stay motivated sometimes. I really love "Seeing the Everyday" magazine for this. It comes quarterly, and always when I desperately need a reminder that what I do matters.

Aden & Jamie Hirtle said...

Lizzy-- I enjoyed this post. You could be a writer. I enjoyed the way you talked about your good times with your kids. I have those moments but I can't put it into words as well as you do. Keep recording them for your kids. They will love reading them when they are older. I was just thinking today of writing stuff like this down before I forget. This thought came as I was passing puffs back to the girls in the car and I loved the feel of Alivia's little starfish hand as she took the puff and Adalyn's wide open mouth as I plopped the puff in. These moments are what life is about.

Deb said...

Great post. I love reading your comments about your kids. You are an amazing mother!! Seriously.

We had our primary party tonight and you know what our primary president did? She ordered a ton of pizzas (and grapes and carrot sticks) and had all the Valiant teachers (and classes) come up with the activities for the kids to do. I was in charge of a church-trivia fishing game. It was great because my class planned it and I did most of the work as the teacher. There were tons of activities and games for all the kids to play and the Primary Prez had her load totally lightened! Don't take it all on by yourself. That's what everyone else in the ward is there for. Anyway, love ya. I think about you all the time.